what anxiety did to me?

Now that I recall, I’ve had some pretty worst anxiety attacks all my life. I grew up in a beautiful family with 3 elder sisters. There was a huge age difference between me and my 3 elder sisters. And because of that I believe, I couldn’t convey what was going on in my head to them. I always hung out with my niece and nephews since they were more like friends to me in my teen years. My parents were too old to discuss about anything with.

Mental health is not a joke…

I was a very shy awkward person in my family. But, I was bright and outspoken in my middle school. I won prizes in extra curricular activities and was verbally strong. I had many friends in school. In contrary, cartoon and Anime characters were my friends in home.

I loved visiting my mother’s hometown during holidays and summer vacations. I played with my friends and cousins all day long in my small hometown. I stopped talking to my best male friends when I attained my puberty at the age 12 due to conservative rules and customs in my hometown. I respected all of those things but I could still recall how terribly I missed my friends during that time.

And eventually, my family stopped going to my favourite place in the whole wide world (my hometown!) amidst a busy life in the city. I felt lonely most of the times growing up in the city. I became very quiet and kept it all to myself. The worst part is that nobody from my family seem to get what I was going through. They were more concerned about that fact that I did not greet the relatives who came to visit us at home. It was all like an empty feeling that did not seem to go away.

The feeling of guilt and powerlessness is even worse than the anxiety itself…

I was not an entitled kid. I was very kind and I always give away my pocket money to people from housekeeping at school. Despite being very articulate, I wasn’t good at expressing my feelings to people I really like. I, instead do something for them as a token of my love. Like gifts, surprises, handmade stuffs. I guess I was afraid of being judged by just saying what I feel.

Sometimes when I’m having the panic attack, I just want to run away as fast as I can to somewhere people can’t find me. The feeling of guilt and powerlessness is even worse than the anxiety itself. Things that I go through in my mind when I’m having the anxiety attack,

• My life is going nowhere. Everyone’s life is all put up together.
• People do not love me enough or they’re just pretending to love me.
• My anxiety is never going to leave me.
• My life is completely gone, I can’t do anything about it.
• I’m never going to be happy again.

How I slowly surrendered to the reality

Very often, I feel weak. I feel like a burden to people I love because I know sometimes I need extra support, love and care in my darker moments. The moments that I cannot even explain or understand where it comes from and what its about. It is like an invisible illness that I’m trying to control without any medical treatment, but by surrounding myself with people who do not judge me.

I’m still learning to be kind on myself. I engage myself doing things that I think will help me become a better person. Anxiety hasn’t shown up for a while now but I know it will come back and that I will tackle it on the other side when it does. But, right now, I’m embracing my uniqueness and imperfections. I’m RARE like Selena’s latest album that is out now. <3

A worthy, lovable, badass, loyal, resilient woman with rarity and also, a bit of swag! 😉